Wednesday night at choir rehearsal, as we practiced “There Is A Redeemer” one last time before Sunday, I finally lost my composure on one particular verse. I’ve been hanging on for a few weeks now, focused as I was on learning the alto line. But now I know the notes, and I could no longer escape the power of the words. “When I stand in Glory, I shall see His face, and there I’ll serve my king for ever in that holy place. Thank you, oh my Father for giving us your Son…”
About three months after my mom died, my sister found a grief website that offered a free subscription to a year of devotionals, designed to counsel the reader through the first year of grief. So I signed up. Every day that email would show up, and I’d either read it right away or move it to a separate folder. Some were okay, a few were helpful, some seemed silly and trite. The cynic in me thought they were mostly interested in peddling their books. I fell behind in reading them; at one point I had two months of these emails sitting unread in their folder. (You know, life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.) I have only just finished them in the last few weeks. Those final devotionals dealt a lot with heaven, and our conception of it. I guess I haven’t spent much time as an adult contemplating the reality of heaven. Intentionally thinking about this has been disturbing, from both directions. It’s really hard thinking about my mom being in a state where she doesn’t think about me. But she’s in God’s arms, so she has no more cares or worries, and I definitely qualify as a care or a worry. By the same token, at this point in my life, I can’t imagine ever not worrying about my daughter. If heaven means I’m not thinking/loving/caring about her, maybe I don’t want to go.
Just when I think life may have evened out to its new normal without my mom, in comes another kick in the gut. Sometimes it’s music that delivers it. I held my composure Sunday morning; I feel an obligation to my fellow choir members and the assembly to maintain my part. But I’m really glad there’s a box of tissues in the choir room. Sometimes the fountain of love flows from our hearts through our eyes.
We presented a more “classical” rendition of “There Is A Redeemer.” Here is a YouTube link to an awesome dance troupe’s interpretation, with a kinda techno feel. There are some loud credits at the beginning of the video, but trust me, stick with it. You will be richly rewarded by this kick in the gut.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5lhdXeZqtk
1 comment:
Not being a parent, I can't fully comprehend the depth of love one has for their children, but I can relate to the depth of emotion certain songs evoke in me. "How Great Thou Art" and "Amazing Grace" to name a few. As a professional musician, you obviously do a better job of holding those emotions back than I do so that your performance is not diminished!
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