Breaking the Rules

Okay, I’m going to break the cardinal rule of entertainers. Not that Hollywood follows this rule, but when my husband and I worked as a singing duo in (shhh!) bars, he emphasized this rule: do NOT talk about religion, do NOT talk about politics. You just couldn’t chance annoying a customer who might jeopardize a) your job or b) your personal safety. (Think flying beer bottles in “The Blues Brothers.”) So here goes. (Sorry, Sweetie.)

In the year 2000, when Proposition 22 was on the ballot, I voted for it. Naturally. My contact with gay people was limited, so I made no connection between the proposition and anybody I knew. Homosexuality was still an abstract idea for me; I just hadn’t spent any energy thinking about it. At the time, I was attending a neighborhood church, and there were a couple of people I understood to be gay. This was the beginning of the change in my attitude. One woman in particular was becoming a close friend, and subtly forcing me to consider things I had wanted to ignore.

The following year, my daughter was baptized, and this close friend gave her the gift of a week at a Christian camp in the mountains of San Bernardino. I knew this friend to be a lesbian, from things she’d said at a new members class at church, but it had never come up in our conversations. We decided the two of us would drive my daughter to camp on that Sunday. When we got there, I had to declare who would pick her up on Saturday. My friend was saying, “I can come get her.” My daughter was standing right there, and she didn’t know that after getting home on Saturday, she would be leaving again on Monday to visit her grandmother for a few days. Because she would be leaving, I was loathe to miss any time with her, but it was tempting to allow my friend to make the long drive alone. I was trying to process this very rapidly, fearing that she might think I didn’t want her to be alone with my daughter on the long drive home because she’s gay. I managed to tell the camp counselor that we both might return on Saturday, and told my friend we could decide later in the week. When we drove home that afternoon, I revealed to my friend my daughter’s travel plans for the following week, and that she didn’t know yet, since I wanted her to focus on camp, and not anticipate the next week’s adventure. That was the extent of our discussion on that topic, and conversation moved on to other things, like trying to raise a child with moral values when her father was changing girlfriends more often than his underwear.

A couple of days later, I received in the mail a very thoughtful note from my friend. In it, she declared her homosexuality, unsure if I knew. She said she would never discuss adult topics with her, but if she ever heard my daughter say anything derogatory about gays, my friend would correct her. I called my friend and we met for a little chat. I told her I knew she was gay, she had in the past mentioned a partner, and from the context I assumed it wasn’t a business partner. Face to face with my friend, I confessed my confusion between what I had “always thought” and what I saw to be the truth of her life. When I looked at her, I saw Christ reflected. Without saying a word, she was challenging me to think for myself.

Now, in 2008, we are faced with Proposition 8. Unlike Prop 22, I will be voting against Prop 8. It is personal now, as I know and love a few gay people. We use the word “marriage” to describe flavors in recipes and styles in fashion. Why can’t we use it for two committed people, regardless of gender? I refuse to believe the prognostications of social disaster. That would mean stereotyping all gays as militants, and I know that’s not true. Will there be divorce and custody arguments among gay couples? Of course; we are all imperfect humans. Heterosexuals have been messing up marriage for generations. Why should we have all the “fun?” As for schools, I think we should deal with the issue if it arises. Parents are the ones ultimately responsible for their children’s education, and that should be reiterated. We allow parents to opt their children out of reciting the pledge of allegiance. We allow them to opt their children out of participating in the Christmas, oops, Winter Pageant so they aren’t exposed to flying reindeer and singing snowmen. Parents must retain the authority to decide when and how their children learn about gay marriage, as they do now regarding human sexuality curriculum.

Attitudes cannot be legislated. My attitude changed over time, by the living examples of people around me. Maybe this is our chance to re-elevate marriage as a sacred covenant, something to be cherished and nurtured. The more people with that attitude, either gay or straight, the better for all of us.